You know when you’re the size of a house. You have a heavy vag, bum, hips, boob and belly. You are casually pottering about, doing your normal things as much as possible, counting down the days to the day the doctors lied to you about. The due date that for most of us is never real?
And then it starts –
- Thought you’d have had it by now! Really, why?
- You still not had that baby? Yes, I did, this is now fat, and I have left my baby somewhere else.
- This one is taking its time! Is it? How do you know? Did baby sneak out and tell you?
- Any signs of baby yet? Yes, good signs. We had a positive pregnancy test and antenatal care for the past ten months – I think that counts as signs of a baby, no? If not I want a Rhino.
- How do you feel? Do you feel close? Are you for real? Do I feel close? The head is being held in by my thin, and slightly open cervix and a clingfilm filled sack of water, feel close you ask? No. Fuck off.
I DIDN’T FORGET TO LET YOU KNOW THAT A BABY CAME OUT OF MY VAG. I really didn’t. It isn’t the sort of thing one tends to forget to do y’know.
Or the comments about waddling. You fucking moron. Why, why do you do that? When was the last time you carried an 8lb bowling ball in your pelvis? ASSHOLE.
And another thing, don’t judge my bump. Who are you to be a bump judger? Last time I checked you were not given this new title.
- Big bump
- Huge bump
- Tiny bump
I don’t mind being told I have a neat bump (even if it is a lie), but telling me my bump is doing things that you can describe as big or huge is fucking stupid. There is a person inside it you twat. A PERSON.
- You look really uncomfortable Go fuck yourself
- You look tired Go fuck yourself
- Are you sleeping enough No, go fuck yourself
Are you kiddin’ me right now? I don’t know what you people are even thinking of saying this stuff. You couldn’t be more offensive or stupid if you tried.
But then again, you’re not a patch on the post-birth ‘You look tired’ folk. Those ones take the prize. Not only did I grow this person, then I got her/him into the world one way or another, and now I care for it 24/7 and sleep is a little bit lacking. We are all aware that this has happened, so why doesn’t your tiny brain just let you know that obviously I AM tired but being told about it doesn’t make me feel amazing, it makes me want to punch you in the face. Twice.
Heavily Pregnant Women.