As mentioned in my last post, I asked my Husband to write something, because there are two sides to everything.
So, let’s just get this out the way and say it: “I crossed a line which I should not have crossed.”
I have a recollection of how things transpired and so does she. And we could argue about what did or did not happen. Did I push her aside as I stormed out the room? Yes, and yes I did not give her time to get out-of-the-way. Did I want to throw something? Yes, and I threw the chair, wildly. And did my frustration converge onto her when she took her ring off and threw it across the room? Yes, and I did throw my ring at her. All of those things, I did. Was I recovering from a lingering cough and unable to sleep? Yes, but is that really an excuse and does it actually matter?
What matters is not so much what happened in my recollection or hers, what matters is her perspective. Reflecting back.
“The man who should be a safe space, a role model, a friend, a life partner has made me feel uncomfortable in my own house and skin, and I have been bruised, both physically and mentally.”
That’s the result, however it happened, that’s what is left over from it all. And that is at a point I would never want my partner to be, Not only because I love her, but also because I have three gorgeous girls that will have a life partner at one point in their lives as well. What kind of example am I setting?
So that’s where I find myself, appalled, even disgusted, I had let it come to that. And then fear sets in. Am I a bad person? Would it happen again? Is this a slippery slope and I am just a few more ‘incidents’ away from actually doing serious physical harm?
And one part of me would suggest that it wouldn’t get to that. I felt I was taunted to react when I wasn’t at my best, But is that really a good safety net? What prevents me from not being feeling provoked again? What if, when I pushed her aside a voice in my head would have suggested it would be very gratifying to push her to the ground? Or to intentionally throw the chair at her? Or instead of throwing a ring, to clench my fist and use that?
How do you know if you have the inclination to be violent?
And at this point, I have more questions than answers. And all I have is belief and hope. I believe am not a bad person and I hope I can be a better man.
Relationships are work and it needs continuous nurturing and care. And you need to keep your eyes open for the signals and accept your share of the blame. This was a big signal, a massive flag. And I am taking mine to heart, to see what I need to fix, in me. To never cross that line again.
And that’s the kicker. It’s not even a line, just a whole heap of grey area. And that terrifies me. Probably a good rule is to avoid any shades of grey. Stay in the white, drive out the grey areas of our lives.
Just like I need to drive away bruised grey from her skin.