I’d arranged to meet Mr. M at the train station, and so made my way down a fairly busy street. Law firms, Express and Star building, Nando’s and a few others. It’s quite busy.
So there we were doing our new shoe walk. Two doors down from the Express and Star building (my heart literally thumps when I type this) sat a quite big, obviously drunk white male. He was quite tall and he was sitting sprawled in the door way of a building.
We are still doing our slow walk.
‘Oi, love!’ He voice startled me to be honest, I was concentrating on the slow moving baby.
‘OI, LOVE, I’M FUCKING CALLING YOU’. He threw his leg out at me that time.
‘How about you try and have a fucking white kid next time. Come here and have one with me, bitch.’
While he said it, he grabbed at his groin and shook it at me. The ‘fucking white kid’ was said with such hate, it felt like it pierced my skin.
In my already pregnant state I felt like I had be burned on my chest, you know that feeling when something immediate cuts you to the core? I wanted so badly to cry, pick up Mojo and run away. I didn’t, but I also couldn’t speak. My throat had apparently closed up.
I just looked at him and carried on walking. Our slow, toddler, new shoes walk.
‘What is that anyway? A n****r cunt or something’ he shouted after us down the road.
I carried on walking, talking to Mojo in what had suddenly become a very strangled voice, I was trying to not be upset by what had just happened, and more so not show her anything had even happened.
Every now and then I think about that moment, it still makes me cry.
I finally got to the station and told Mr. M about it, I was trying to not be too upset. I’m not sure why I kept it all stored in. I think I needed time to process it all. Maybe it doesn’t sound like much to you, but it has been a continual source of heartache for me.
Sometimes I wonder if she had been older and understood, would my reaction have been different? If we hadn’t be walking our slow, toddler, vulnerable walk. If I hadn’t been pregnant. If, if..if…
I let a man verbally abuse me and Mojo because I was too scared to say anything, he was drunk and I don’t think you can predict drunk reactions. Let alone those that already open up with such vile words.
The reason for the title? For the first time in my life I understand what it means and I felt it on behalf of my 20 month Daughter.
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P.S I will type almost anything on my blog but you’ll notice for this one I starred out most of a word, one which you won’t ever find on my blog however on this occasion I’m not going to change what he said to us.
