Ah.
Woosh out the door she goes.
Mr M is soon down the stairs and at the front door to call her back. We didn’t know if he was going to have to make chase or if she would come back simply because we asked. Turns out neither. Instead he called that she needed to pack her stuff if she was going to run away.
This was actually really helpful, although you might think a little insane to tell a 6 year old in the middle of an angry storm out that she needs to pack. She said ‘You’re right, what was I thinking – I will need some stuff.’
And off she went to pack.
So every time she came down with a new bag full of clothes we gently reminded her that, if indeed she was leaving she would need many more pair of clean pants. This took much longer than I thought it would, I was calmly at the table in the kitchen, Mr carried on with his cleaning and Mojo does what Mojo does.
‘What are you doing, eatum breakfast’. – Directed at Eldest from Mojo.
‘I’m nearly done now, anything else I will need to take with me?’. Eldest
Me ‘Well, you’ll need to pack your books too, and your work books, your DVD’s might be nice to take with you too. Your new shoes too. Are you hungry?’
Eldest ‘No, I’m not hungry, I am busy leaving. I have to go very soon and find my new family.’
I will freely admit, at this point it was more about keeping the situation calm, not getting into any more fights, but also not crushing her emotions. We both (me and him) are strong believers in being able to feel how you feel and within reason express it. It just so happened that her expression at this point was the need to find a new family.
Instead of snapping here, or telling her she was being stupid. I asked her how she was going to find the new family. I told her we would miss her, and I hope that her new family love her like we do.
At this point my Mother called. I quickly explained to her what was going on while Eldest was busy bagging up her belongings. Eldest asked to speak to her and say goodbye.
I overheard the following snippets while me, Mr and Mojo got dressed –
‘I didn’t want it to come to this, but they’ve left me no choice. I’m just too naughty.’
‘Well, no. I don’t want to have to do this. I am packing all my things now… but there seems to be more bags than I can carry.’
I pulled that face, that parenting face. That sort of endearing face. Reserved for your children and your children only. I knew that I needed to provide her with an exit that didn’t make her feel ashamed. Although being out and out shouty about it may have ended it all sooner, it wasn’t going to hit all the underlying things. It wasn’t the right way to handle it.
My hallway was full of her overstuffed bags, the house was filled with a strange feeling. One of sadness and I think the sense of the whole thing coming to an end.
So after some time on the phone. Eldest joins us back at the table. Head in hands she sits. I ask her ‘What happens next? Do you want to talk? Are you thirsty? You might need a warm drink as it’s cold out there.’
She stands up. She has made her mind up.
‘I’m leaving’.
With that we all get up from the table. Me, Mr and Mojo already have our shoes on.
‘Would you like to come to Sainsbury’s? You might need some food for your trip.’
‘Yes, you’re right. I will need bread and some other stuff. To eat. I don’t know how to do all that though.’
We arrive at Sainsbury’s. I ask Mr to give me a note out of my purse, I say ‘If you are leaving you will need this money and a basket to put your items in, if you are staying when we get home you can pack everything away. What will it be?’
‘Would you mind if I stayed?’
‘Not at all, lets go shopping.’
Since then she has been a little more thoughtful about things. I’m not expecting the world, she is after all only almost 7, but I do think that treating people nicely, being polite and conscious of your actions is something that should be instilled from an early age. Though, I will admit in a more delicate way than what happened with us.
I have since also ran the conversation over in my own head many times, to see which bits of my wording triggered the actions that followed.
Today we have talked more about it all.
Lessons learned:
I learned that she is no longer a baby or a toddler and is growing in to her own person, who in some ways I don’t know at all. I also learned that she is smaller than she’d like for me to believe but she needs room to grow.
She learned that ‘ Just because you are mad at me doesn’t mean you don’t care, it just means that we don’t always think the same. I also learned that I have a lot of stuff and it’s very heavy to carry.’
In the next few days we will continue to move forward, rather than dwell on the fact at just almost 7 years old we had an explosive start to the year. That I said something that made her feel her only choice was to leave and that she isn’t even in the teen years yet….
I also felt very proud of Mr. M. As a step-dad I can imagine that these situations can be tricky to handle, sometimes he does step back and let me deal with them. This time he stepped in and I think me and Eldest both felt a sense of support from our respective opposite stances.
Did you ever try to run away? Have your children ever made for the door? What did you do? If not, how would you have handled the situation?
