My Vagina Ate a Speculum

My last smear test was inconclusive. Between then and now I haven’t worried about it all that much. I had another one today.

When I entered the room (room 4 if you need details) there was a very Lovely Nurse waiting to peep up my baby pipe. She was nice, we chatted a bit about my last smear, and inconclusive more often than not is not having enough cells to get a result. You see, they aren’t looking for cancer during a cervical screening, which is what most people still think, they’re just checking the health of the cells of the cervix.

Lisa AKA Lovely Nurse went on to also say that the cervix moves during the month, and depending on your position -standing, sitting, laying on your back with you knees hitched up…you get the idea. I said don’t worry, mine is pretty friendly as cervix go I think. She said she was happy to hear it. She said twice in the last year she has had to ask women to come back because it wasn’t in the best place.

I was confident in my cervix to say hi, I mentioned using a mooncup so I was pretty good at knowing where it was and when, and mid-cycle we’re sure-fire to get a good view.

I have a knee-length wool dress on today and leggings underneath, as we all know very well, the paper does bugger all to protect any decency you think you have left. I don’t have any decency but wanted to pretend I was not an avid fanny flasher. So my lovely woolly dress covered all the way to my knees but didn’t get in the way.

Speculum insertion. That bit is fine, it’s smaller than the average penis and certainly smaller than a full-term baby. So, this bit shouldn’t be a worry.

Winching open the hell cave, went like this:

  • We are good
  • Yeah that’s fine
  • Hmmm still good
  • That pinches
  • OUCH

It’s not really all that uncomfortable, it stung a bit, I immediately cramped – lightly, but it’s more about my mental state going in. I don’t want a smear, I need a smear. So obviously, not wanting something and doing it anyway, it’s always that bit worse.

Cell-toothbrush cervical scrapping done. Easy, didn’t feel a thing. Iron fanny.

The very nice nurse then tried to remove the speculum. Vagina says no.

I look at her.

She looks at me.

In the eyes.

My vagina is now hugging the plastic tiny penis contraption and doesn’t want to let it go.

It’s common, apparently. My vagina has betrayed me. I ask my vagina, with my mind, to let the thing go, just let it go. Vagina is reluctant.

We wait a moment, and eventually, my vag gave the nurse back her toy, not without a bit of a fight for it.

Lovely Nurse heads back to her desk so I can put my huge granny knickers and leggings on. Mentally I am telling my fanny off for being greedy and trying to eat plastic.

I sit back down at the desk. Start putting my shoes on.

You were right! That was a friendly cervix, and healthy looking too!

So in a week or so, I will have my results in the post, and unlike my A-levels I won’t be taking photos and sending them to family and friends – I shall instead be congratulating my cervix on looking healthy and being healthy OR congratulate my cervix on her healthy looking lying face and make an appointment to follow up.

What is the point of this blog post? If you haven’t been for a while, book a cervical screening and be happy in the knowledge your vagina mostly likely will not eat the speculum.


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