Mothers Love.

When I was younger, just into university I never wanted children, I saw them as life ending tiny people who would destroy all my hopes and dream. I was right. They ended my self absorbed, over indulgent life and gave me a new lense with which to focus. They destroyed all my hopes and dream, crushed them in to oblivion and gave me a new life, one in which every day was a challenge & exciting. I gained more from my children than they will probably ever gain from me.

When I first felt pregnant, I was 1 day late. Just 1, and I knew. I had been careful, but not careful enough. What to do? Well there were two camps of thought – Why ruin what had been up until this point, a pretty success academic career – or – Babys bring their own love, and some how you will get by.

It will be pretty obvious I went with the last option. It wasn’t a decision I made with my mind, if I had the outcome would have been different. It wasn’t a logic process for me. Something took over, some weird feeling that I’d never truly felt before. I felt a deep protectiveness, a strong bond & a need for this rice-grain size entity.These cells that would grow into her were meant for me.

I knew early on that the relationship I was in wouldn’t survive this, I knew that. I didn’t want to be a single parent statistic, tarred with the brush that so many are, but I would be judged. So, I finished Uni with my new sidekick in tow. What else was there to do?

So there we were, me and she. Together.

The joy she brought to my life, was only to be match by the sheer confusion and blur of trying to be Momma while trying to maintain academia. My only regret of this time is missing those tiny changes. She is 5 now, I missed her babyhood. I was there, but I missed it. You don’t recover from that, you can’t make it up with another child and you can’t make it up in later years, it’s gone.

You can only continue to love them. Eternally. A Mothers Love.