I think as a mother we all say ‘we do everything’ or maybe ‘we’re a doctor, therapist, blanket, storyteller’… You know the drill. We are really able to look at all the different roles we play for our children. But what about the nurturing mother and the lover?
What about the caretaker and the sex haver?
I did an interview when Ivy was 9 weeks old, about sex and what it is like for us after babies. At the time what I said was true and it still is. It doesn’t concern us all that much. Let’s not mess around here, it is important in any relationship to be able to have sex. More than be able to want to. Indeed it is not the most important thing but I believe you need mental, emotional and sexual/physical stimulation to stay with someone. Balance.
So the other night, I was in bed, I fed Ivy to sleep and placed her in the cot. It was around 1am. Mr was (as a rare occurrence) in the bed also. I usually go skin to skin on night feeds and when she is dosy put her in a grobag. I did as normal and instead of removing all the pillows and putting her in the crook of my arm I placed her in the cot. She was already asleep and didn’t stir at all so I woke up Mr. I nibbled his lip, he laughed and woke up a little more and it went from there. The thing is when you are aware of another being in the local vicinity you tend to keep it more confined, less loud and possibly more intimate.
Ivy stirred in her cot. She began to cry. Me and Mr were still wrapped around each other, although at this point we were just enjoying the afterglow rather than enjoying the sex. I reached out and put my arm through the bars of the cot to soothe her. I stroked the back of her hand. I told her I’d get her in just a moment. We untangled from each other.
With one swift move I was the mother again. I was leaning back on a pile of pillows, feeding Ivy and entangled with her instead.
As I moved between gently stroking Ivy’s face and feeding her to a sexual being with Mr and back again in the most fluid of ways. I was going from Me to Mum-me in the blink of an eye. The kiss I place on the forehead of the girls and the kiss I place on the mouth of Mr are very different but none less filled with love than the other and they all happen within seconds of each other. It takes less than a heart beat for me to make the transition between it all.
I think it’s important to recognise, explore and accept the Me and the Mum-me parts of ourselves. I have accepted that I am a Mum-me for the children but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be the passionate Me when I feel like it with Mr M. Balance is key.
Do you have these moments where you are between ‘you’ and another version of yourself? Has your relationship with your partner changed in anyway since becoming a parent? Do you find it easy to distinguish between your different roles as a woman?