You know those occasions as a parent, the ones that nobody took the time to tell you about. The one where your baby manages to poo four times their body weight.
Ivy wakes up with a bit if a gurgle, I go upstairs and think to myself I’ll feed her on my bed. My freshly made, white sheet bed. She latches on and begins to feed. We are at the stage she laughs, and plays while feeding. It’s lovely. I decide to snuggle down slightly. It’s so cosy. She grunts. I laugh because that’s a poo noise. I put my hand on her lower back and that’s when I felt it. The damp poo patch. It looks like a tiny leak, three fingers wide tops. I get up and take her to the changing table. Remove her trousers and lift up her top. I peel her vest down and then a tidal wave of poo starts leaking left and right. I’m grabbing baby wipes, socks and muslin anything to curb the enthusiasm of the poo ooze.
The poo is spreading fast.
Crap! The poo is on her leg I clean the leg. While cleaning the leg she grabs the poo muslin and puts it on her head. OMG!
I grab the poo muslin and now have poo fingers and poo nails. Throw all items in bin. Ivy now has poo on her head. While cleaning poo head I spot poo on her toe. Must be cast off poo from poo vest. Clean poo toe. She has now grabbed poo vest. I had put other clean vest in bin.
We now have poo belly and hands. I clean poo hands in case she decides to eat her hand, thus eating her own poo. Then do poo belly second as seemed less urgent.
This clean up is tough, wipe forehead with back of hand. Now I have poo head. Where did that even come from?! Look back at Ivy who is playing with toes, oblivious to poo disaster.
She has poo on ear. Am sure is last bit of poo.
I have mastered the poo!!
Look at hands, have poo smudge.
Bracelet has actual piece of poo in one of the links.
Forehead has poo smudge.
I smell of poo.
Poo mastered me.