I know who I used to be, I know how I used to be. I liked me. A lot. I thought I was ‘the shit’. Somewhere a long the way I became less ‘the shit’ and a bit more just shit. Or that is currently how I feel. Yeah, babies change you and so does time. But does that really mean we change who we are/were and what we believe in? For me it seems to have. Fuck that.The past few weeks, following on from post about confidence, I have been on a journey of self re-discovery. Taking another look at what I’m doing now, who I am now. Mostly, I didn’t like what I was. If I had to scale myself now against my previous self. I would call me tepid. Tepid.
tep·id/ˈtepid/
- (esp. of a liquid) Only slightly warm; lukewarm.
- Showing little enthusiasm: “tepid applause”.
Well. What? Yes, I am in fact tepid. My clothes are that of someone I am not. My hair is quite true to myself, purple and unruly. The things in my home reflect parts of me, I have graphic novels, a loud brightly coloured rug, games. I like games. The music on my laptop is me, loud, filled with lengthy guitar riffs & heavy drums. Yeah, I have definitely been here at an earlier date. My children are me, one has a vile temper, manipulative, destructive and the other is a barefoot, loose haired hippy with the self-awareness of wombat.I am not sure what it is, but I have a need to shed my boring, tired skin. I was trying to be that smart, neat, groomed mother/woman you see. She has her shit together. Or does she?
I don’t wanna be that woman. I would rather have my shit everywhere, I know what I am doing that way. I need to rid my life of the things I accumulated while trying to be the other person, the one I’m not. Once that is done, I need to refill those gaps with things that fit. I have changed what I eat, where I eat, when I eat, what I spend. I go out more often with people I love. I feel almost brand new. If you forgive the wear and tear of motherhood.
I feel like I have been in a little cocoon. Now? I’m breaking out.
The sad truth is, I have been lost. Maybe we all lose ourselves from time to time. But there is nothing like coming home. So that is where I am going. I am going to my own personal home.
Now ‘scuse me while I go and unearth some more of me. I know there is some around here somewhere…
