- It smelt like a fart, you tip baby to the side, use a finger to pull back the nappy – shit under the finger nail.
- It’s all down on leg but none in the nappy
- The poo has gone upwards, all the way to the neck – none in the nappy
- Baby ate grapes, baby shat out all the skins
- Baby ate carrots, poo is carroty
- Baby ate crayons – Unicorn poo
- Baby ate glitter – sparkly turd
- Baby ate a bead – doctor advises to find bead in poo – forget during night feed to check & then spend forever worrying about bead poo
- Baby had a poosplosion while in a car seat and asleep, poonami is leaking everywhere, but you still don’t want to wake baby
- Baby decided to itch bum while you try desperately to wipe away poo
- Baby poo under baby nails
- Baby then rubs her face now you have poo face, poo bum, poo nail. Shit.
- Baby manages to undress self, take off nappy and sit in poo, silently
- During lovely relaxing bath, baby laughs and poo falls out, you don’t notice it at first – you have a lot of bath toys
- You are a new mum, breastfeed baby in bath, baby does a yellow shit on your belly
- Baby managed to get biscuit in nappy
- Sandpoo – not sure how or why
- Post fish dinner fishypoo – smells like fish but looks like shit
- Poppyseed poo – lesser known phenomenon where breastfed baby has swallowed blood from mums cracked and bleeding nipples
- Jellypoo – you baby doesn’t actually digest snot and dibble, instead they just join the poo army
- Poopshoot, when you are changing baby and a shit fires at you & they are always a great aim
- Newborn breastfed poop. The sweetest smelling poo of them all, you find it strangely intoxicating and have been known to take a deep breath in
- Tarpoo, those first black poops that are so sticky you can’t get them off you, your changing mat, the baby…
- Confuspoo you are sitting enjoying some nappy free time, baby stands up and a poo falls out, you both just look at each other for a moment, confused
- The poo you are convinced isn’t even there till you open then nappy and a dry crust has forms
- The ‘Asda sent a size up nappies let’s use them anyway, what the fuck is that on the carpet, it’s a shit nugget’ poo
- Post bath poo, which is obviously horrendous and makes you bit sad because poostink beats the scent of baby powder in the nasal wars
- When you hear a fart, a soggy fart and know for sure they sharted
- The time you are shopping alone with baby, have forgot the wipes, are already in the change rooms and have to use your scarf
- The other time you do it and have to use the spare bib
- The time you remember the wipes but forget the nappy and make an eco nappy out of random items of clothing from your change bag
- When your darling is in a gorgeous cream Burberry dress, and you bounce then on your knee and the shit one end and puke the other
- When you are doing skin to skin, nappyless, like an earth mother goddess and you feel baby’s tummy tense
- When they are small and kick their feet into their poo with vigor, baby toenail poo
- When they are big and grab the nappy you thought was at arms length but haven’t yet rolled up and there is poo beginning to smudge everywhere
- The time you thought it was a small poo, tried to change baby on the bed and poonami releases on your new sheets
- That time the baby farted and it smelled so bad you were sure there was a poo but there wasn’t you go back to the table and then baby really poops
- The time you knew the poo was so bad the clothes were ruined
- You can smell poo, you know you can, you check baby every five minutes. Nothing. Finally, three hours later you get to the loo for a wee, look in the mirror and have a tiny brown poo smudge under your nose
- On the tram you are sure someone has trod in dog shit, nope. Not so. Turns out you have a swipe of baby poo on the cuff of your jumper and you can go home and change OR just buy a new jumper when you are out, you choose the latter
- The time you wretched repeatedly while trying not to let your baby notice
- Poowaft – what your partner gets when they are due home in about 1 minute and the baby has pooped but you really don’t want to change another one
- Close quarters crap, when you are on the way to the changing rooms but stuck in a lift that never stops at your destination and you are slowing passing out while people pretend your baby doesn’t stink
- Ignorshit, you are out and about and someones baby has obviously shit, the air is green but no-one takes responsibility
- Splatshit, when your baby is walking, just pooped and just before you managed to pick them up they splat on their bums and the poo is squashed into oblivion
- Spinshit, you give baby spinach, the poo goes bright green but not the shade you were expecting
- Please-no-more-shit shit. It might be teething, it might be an upset tummy, it might be that you baby just craps a lot but whatever it is please, no more poo today!
- The Peek-a-boo shit. A little bit is poking out the side of the nappy just to say hello.
- A Whatthefuckisthat shit shit. A poo so abnormal you have no idea how your baby even made it?!
- And finally the Fifty shades of Baby Shit – the poops that have fifty different colours, nine different consistencies and possibly that missing bead in it.
