There are always a few surprises when you become a parent and even now, after 8 years and three children there is no end of surprises. Good and bad.
I didn’t really understand how talkative children were
Don’t get me wrong, I knew they were chatty. I was one (a child) once and on all my reports I had ‘A bit too chatty’. Let me tell you, the apples haven’t fallen far from the tree – at all. I was trying to have a poo the other day, Eldest opened the door so that both toddlers could come in and talk to me about something. One of them can’t actually talk but instead just rested her head on my knee and patted my thigh. The bigger Toddler went on to tell me that her searchery screen (menu) wasn’t coming up on the Innotab 3s. I sighed as I heard Eldest laughing her little bum off and closing her bedroom door.
Farting is funny, even more so if they are telling the strangers on the bus about it
This one… oh this one…I have been on many a public transport trip where my delightful children have told strangers I have done a poo, wee, I am wearing a girl nappy (pre-mooncup era), my mum has a really brown nipple, mummy farts ALL THE TIME, I fell over this morning and mummy laughed at me. Basically, anything that can be misconstrued or incriminating plus anything semi-personal and/or embarrassing.
You clean up a lot of poo before you even get a coffee
The other day my lovely man made me a coffee before he went off to work, I left it to go and get the baby. The baby had poo – everywhere. It filled the sleepsuit, the cot, the walls, her hair it was horrendous. I had to sluice her down in the shower. That poor plug received a bumped offering of baby poo and motherhood tears that morning. Follow that up with removing all faeces from everywhere else and finally, when I got back downstairs my coffee was so cold that had I been in Starbucks I’d have been charged £7.50 for the privilege of drinking it. Woe is me.
They really are strange
One time they stole a bar of soap and tried to eat it. Another time they put peanut butter on their eyebrows, as eyebrows. They all wore socks on their ears all day. Another time they put mud into their trainers and wellies to see what it was like to be a gremlin. I wish this was even half of it. It isn’t. They think of things to do that you are actually incapable of comprehending. I try to justify some of the stuff with ‘I can see why she did it’, but what I really mean is ‘I need to validate this strangeness, help me by agreeing’. If I ever really understood what was going on the world would be a less bright place.
Having a poo is a spectator sport
Someone recently said to me that the only time they have time to themselves is when they are using the loo. I thought to myself what luxury this person has. A poo, alone!! I know that maybe even some of you reading this don’t have very small children, or you were one of those parents who managed to take a poo alone. I struggle, and frankly, with two toddlers I gave up the fight long ago.
