The Mooncup. Taking care of your poontang and the environment.

I’m not going to lie, the first time I heard about a Mooncup I was like ‘You crazy hippy fuck’. It was explained to me in such a way that it was nothing less than a medieval torture. I will show you.

You sorta fold it a bit, shove it up there, y’know there it unravels  and then it  attaches itself. With suction. You yank it out, tip out the.. stuff. Yeah, wash your hands and start all over again.

I probably can’t really explain the look of disgust on my face. Might be similar to this.

ohgod

 

If only she could see me now. Squatting on the bathroom floor affixing my MOON CHALICE to my vaginal walls. Well, maybe not see exactly, but still.

So I have got her (the chalice, not my friend), safely in her pouch upstairs stashed my L.L. Bean toiletry bag. Safe. For the next time I shall call upon her super powers.

The first test was quite something. I am still breastfeeding so periods come hard and heavy and not really on time. This one was a few weeks over. I knew it would be painful and y’know messy. I’m just that kind of person. When on my period I am bleeding to death. So on day one my cup floweth over within an hour. But it’s not the normal gack fest when I use a tampon and it’s all just piddling out like a leaky tap and not like a suddenly over-soaked sanitary towel that has turned into wet beanbag weight in your knickers. It was more like a squish out the side. No big deal. It states to test it on the last two days of your period. I’m totally not doing that. I need to share everything with you Moon Chalice. You must know it all.

So anyway. Moon Chalice held up against the heaving tides of red hatred. MC held her own. She clung to the walls of eden with hope and on day two, she awoke to a new life. One of a 4 hour change. No more are we tipping the fluid scales, no more are we worried about leaking. I was knickerless and happy.

The problem I find with tampons, apart from them being disgusting blood filled uncomfortable expanding toilet blockers, is that they are awkward. If you pop a heavy flow up tampon up there and your body cheats on you with a light flow then you know two hours in you’ve got a dry fanjo hole and I can’t even begin to go into the removal. Fucking. What.

Sanitary towels. Where we can sit in our own blood for varying amounts of hours and slowly turn into a steak smell lady while your pubes turn into roadkill looking mother fuckers. And, if like me, you’ve torn a pad a bit too fast and the fucking thing half still stuck to your knickers and half in the air with blood gel everywhere then you know. YOU KNOW what I am talking about.

So as I’m now a crazy hippy fuck I should mention both of the above aren’t friends of the earth and in fact they do some serious damage. But if you don’t care about the earth or your vaginal gate way to heaven then carry on as you were.

But seriously, save yourself the bother of steak fanny or dry fanjo and get a MOON CHALICE.

 

wm-lr-mooncup-0071
(I got the big fanny size, this isn’t actual size although it might be, I have had three kids)

 

Zara

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