Sometimes breastfeeding makes me cry

There has been occasions during the last few months where I have just not wanted to feed. I looked at Ivy and as much as I love her (a lot) I just didn’t want to do it. For the very beginning I have posted pictures, posted blog posts in which I tell various people to go an bugger themselves for being rude about feeding with a boob. All of my popular posts are about breastfeeding, and I love that. I am proud that people find my blog to read something I have written. They are all very happy, humour filled posts though, I rarely (if ever) talk about how hard it is sometimes. For 99% of the time I enjoy it, we are almost a year on and yes times get difficult.

This morning was one of those times. It was about 6am which is really early for us and she was doing a world ending scream. She rarely screams, she sort of just grumps a bit till we get her, but this was a scream. I was holding her in the normal position and she was just slapping me in the face. Which y’know when your less then one year old is so distressed they are freaking out and thumping you is horrible enough but the next bit was worse.

She was clawing at my chest, pulled my top up and down, bit my shoulder and eventually between us we got the goods out.

Then the most horrible thing happened. She has bitten me before but it was that light bite when they first get teeth. This one was hard, on purpose (or felt like it) and repeatedly. I moved her away for a minute because this is not something I am not going to condone, but by doing that I made it all worse. She started bucking out of my arms and had hit the highest pitch of screaming of any baby in the world. Was she too hot? Was she too cold? DID SHE HAVE A RASH? Was she itchy (she has bad skin)? What is it? What can I do? Do I need to take her to the hospital?

And so on. Until you and baby are both a sweaty mess. I took my top off, I took her cosy layers off and put her on me. This didn’t help straight away, it isn’t a miracle but she began to rub her forehead on my chest and in her fitful crying she starter to searching for a feed. I lay back a bit and we got a feed going, she had stopped biting me but I was still sore and confused.

Now she is in bed, Mr made me a big breakfast that frankly made my day and it’s raining. It is difficult to put in to words how I felt, I do think that on this occasion only people who have breastfed or are breastfeeding will understand how I am feeling because refusing a feed, biting you and that sort of thing isn’t like pushing a bottle away. It just isn’t the same.

Now I am feeling a bit teary and emotional.

I am sure the fact my period is looming is not going to help in all areas but right now I want to go to bed and watch YouTube all day.


2 thoughts on “Sometimes breastfeeding makes me cry

  1. I completely agree, refusing a feed really isn’t the same as pushing away a bottle. I’ve been there and have experienced the mix of feelings from rejection to thinking you must be doing something wrong. Some days are really hard.

    1. It was a really upsetting period for me and I think her too in the end. I sometimes wish I had a slightly thicker skin but I honestly don’t think anything can prepare you for the emotions that go along with breastfeeding. x

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