Four kids, and a fuckload of coffee

Ten Things I wish I Knew Pre-Pregnancy.

  • People want to touch you – Everywhere, it is okay at first the odd hand to bump from family… but the later stages you are the size of a bull, and they touch your belly and sometimes depending on what you are wearing there is the inadvertent crotch grace ( too high to be rude too low to be belly the middle ground )… I learnt summer dresses lead to this more often. Trousers always in future.
  • You can, in fact, fit a whole hand up there, and had probably not thought about it until it happens. But it really does go all in, all up, and stretches all out.
  • Wind / Gas – Whatever you want to call it, it falls out, leaks out, erupts out, and there is pretty much fuck all you can do but accept it and let it go. You’ll feel better anyway
  • Boobs– Can and will leak, just randomly. From the creamy, good stuff, to clear liquid – it’s all normal, and it does in fact leak out, through the bra on to the t-shirt while shopping. People stare, you think it because your rack got massive, till you get home and see two little-wet eyes staring up at you from the chest area. Good Times.
  • Poo! Becomes something you actually want to do and can’t. I never think in my life have I been so excited to do a good old number 2 in my life. ( I don’t really care if it’s disgusting there is worse to come in the Ten Things About Birth) Hemorrhoids are another bum issue, which frankly is annoying and uncomfortable.
  • Baby Brain – First-time pregnancy this didn’t seem to be such an issue I was at university all intellectual. Second time round it crept up, emptied my brain out the back of my skull and left me utter clueless as for how I get through each day. Example – Tram to Sainsbury’s, get off get what I need (sweet potato and asparagus) make my way excitedly to the self-service, ‘Enter Pin’ I tap four digits… ‘Declined’ oh got one wrong… I do this twice more, block my PIN, begin to cry and walk out of the shop. Check pockets, have left mobile at home, need to call Beau to tell him am having an attack of the weepies in town… But instead, I wasted all my money on calling 4 other houses, as I had also forgotten my own house phone number…Finally get through, and he says – come home we’ll go later. This doesn’t help, just makes me feel like I was on day release and need my hand held to buy potatoes. Which invariably I now do. Am now a vessel to number 3 and have put bread in the fridge, lost mobile, forgotten all pin numbers and forgot to pack my own clothes for an overnight stay. To say it is worse is an under-farking-statement.
  • Wee – As in Urine, as in leaking… While laughing, coughing, sneezing (which is nasty if you have hayfever) Now, I was under the impression if you did these pelvic floor exercises this did not happen. So I faithfully did them after having the 6-year-old. Even though I did this somehow, I am now pissing myself if I sneeze, laugh, cough or anything else semi forceful. Tenna Lady are now my friend, Beau makes his little ‘WeePads the cheap version of the iPad jokes’ and the 4-year-old tells everyone ‘Mummy is putting plasters in her pants now’…
  • Lack of Meds – Hayfever – Horrid with the worst outcomes, and I’ve been given Prevalin which was almost £10 in Boots. I don’t find it very useful, it does take the edge off slightly, but I still feel awful most of the day, but I am thankful I can use something for light relief on the days it gets horrible. Colds and Flu’s, blocked sinuses, infections and so on. You would think, that as women are quite often making babies ( in general ) that they would have put some decent effort into making sure that these small niggles are easily dealt with. Not fucking so. Get ready for your multi-vitamin and steaming treatments to get you through!!
  • Wobbles – Softy stretchy ligaments, mean you wibble and wobble, and stumble. Go slow! But a perk of this is, if you are in the mood for some lovemaking, you are slightly more mobile, so even with a bump you are quite able to hitch your knees up and have some fun 😉
  • You can read all the books, all the magazines, listen to all the advice. The sad or happy truth is that, although ‘most’ babies develop the same, your body is different from other peoples, and those who get stretch marks might be the ones who don’t get the sickness, the ones that get the sickness might not get the piles, the ones who get the piles might not get the stretch marks… and so on. It is essentially a hormonal lottery. But one that no matter how hard the pregnancy should still be enjoyed… well, as much as you can enjoy pissing yourself while forgetting your Tena lady.