She is just over 4 months old and I miss her.
She has started to roll so I put the cot together 4 days ago. To keep her safe from rolling off my bed during daytime naps. But this means she now naps in the cot, her first bit of sleep before the night feed is in the cot.
I feel like I should get in the cot and lay beside.
When she wakes for her night feed, usually around 10.30pm I take her in to bed with me where she stays, we talk and she laughs at her toes. She feeds and gurgles. We spend time. The time that no one else knows about. The big girls are also sharing a bed in the other room. They have a bunk bed but it’s no good to them. They share the bottom bunk. Spend time talking, playing counting games on the Innotabs and sharing secrets.
Last night I sat waiting. My breasts both slowly filling up. We dream feed almost continuously all night usually and by the time 10.30pm comes around I’m ready to hop into bed with her. 11pm rolled around, 11.30 and midnight. I lay on my side watching her while expressing my utter sadness to a friend.
I’m not ready to lose this. I’m not ready to say goodbye to the night feeds. While I type this my throat feels tight and my eyes are stinging. I miss the sweet smell of her newness, I miss the times where she thought we were one person and I wasn’t free to move, sleep or eat alone. I miss the vests being too big and the tag on the ankle.
The trouble is, that I’m just not ready to call it a day. I’m not ready to lose this time. The problem is you can’t stop time and if you miss one hug, one kiss or skip sharing one secret it’s gone. That moment is gone.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m in love with the now too. I love her rolling, her talking, her laugh and her attempts to caterpillar across the floor. I love that she has a toy preference and that she grabs my face and gives me an excited squeal in the morning. I’m in love with her and all that she does.
But it breaks my heart that I am so incapable of accepting these beautiful changes for what they are and moving along with her.