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Family,  Pregnancy

Conception reflection.

We did concept… I mean conceive in one foul swoop. No. We weren’t that lucky.

It took a few months, we are that lucky.

It’s strange really, Eldest being an accidental baby and Mojo being planned and we conveived the month we started I kinda expect number 3 to be as easy. I am after all a fertile woman. WOMAN. This is what we do, we make babies. Most of us are lucky enough to be able to do this naturally some not, and some ladies not at all. Never the less it was something I assumed would just happen.

So the first month came and went, we were all excited. Obviously I was pregnant, no question! I even had a strange craving for Maggi Seasoning on everything! It was a sure sign.

2 days later I messaged Mr to let him know that this had not been our month. He is very laid back about things like this, I am the worrier the stress addict and eventually the one who hides in the bathroom.  His mantra was ‘We’ll let the Universe decide‘. Which is brilliant and stuff, but for a control freak like myself the thought that I don’t have control over my own body is stupid. True, but stupid.

Month 2, more sexual escapades – this time every other day. That is a guarantee right? No, it isn’t. Of course it bloody isn’t. In my head it was.

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ENTER: Momma Mojo to bathroom

Momma Mojo unwraps the pregnancy test, places it carefully on the cistern. Walks to window, looks in to mirror and studies face. Long sigh and relaxed shoulders.
 

Monologue: I don’t really have to do this, we both know I am.
Grins to self.

Momma, sits and takes the test. Places test on the back of the cistern once more and stands up. Washed hands, sits down on the edge of the bath. Picks up the test. Throws test against the wall. Tear plops down cheek.
END SCENE
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  During this time to help myself out, I became a zen temple of chill. I cut out drinking (well, one or two here and there), made our bedroom spotless. I read something about people being able to work more efficiently in a clean space. I hoped Mr would be that person. On Chinese New Year I ate plenty of Tea Eggs, apparently they symbolise fertility. So I figure that if I have some symbolic stuff going on too that is helpful right? Obviously!

I also drank Green Tea, no coffee and no fizzy drinks.

A fucking Zen Uterus.

Then it happened! I was 2 weeks late, oh yes. two weeks. Sore breasts, a bit queasy – this was it

Short lived. I’m not 100% sure if I was or wasn’t I couldn’t bare to take a test and but told no again.

I like to think that our children choose us. Even the ones that are difficult, the tantrum kids, the screamers, the fire gazers, the day dreamers and everything in between. They choose us. We have something we can teach them and they have something they can teach us in return.

Lord knows you learn patience when you have a tantrum thrower.
You learn to dream again and just ‘be’ with the dreamers.

They choose us.

I had not been chosen yet.

The thing is, as Mr kept saying we cannot make it happen, we are not infertile it’s just not our time again yet.

He was right, he is usually right. Why is that?

Eventually, as you may know we did manage to make our number 3, our new life. But what I wanted to share with you is the bit leading up to the pregnancy. The bit that sometimes you don’t find anywhere apart from TTC forums. The bit that is an emotion journey, you cry for the thing that you don’t have, you change yourself, you strengthen yourself and you appreciate what you already have a whole lot more.

Did you get pregnant straight away? Or did you have a little bit or a journey? Feel free to share links to posts in comments!


Life in a Break Down

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