I haven’t posted anything in a while. I sort of just didn’t feel like it. I also couldn’t really bring myself to film anything for my YouTube channel either. Strange things happen when you have children, jobs, hobbies and if you are super lucky – sleep.
I have a lot to do and I feel like, lately I needed more help to do it. Not because I am incapable but because it is not my burden to bare the weight of a house on my shoulders while also training for qualifications (BfN & BDA Board and Governance) , sitting on a Board of Trustees and an editorial position. It should be an us, we, together and not an I or Me thing. I don’t know how we got to this point, slept walked into it maybe? I think that for a mum, you spend a lot of time sorting out the tiny lives of your offspring that you can ‘forget’ to sort your own life out. Like the fact your children are happy and healthy is enough for you.
I think it is time to say it.
It isn’t enough for me. It never will be.
I want a partner in my life too, I know I have Mr M. But he is the first to admit that he isn’t the best at helping, he isn’t the best at knowing what to do, he hasn’t been the best with the girls in the past and he will even admit that he has ignored me when I have asked for help. I know he will admit these things because I gave him no choice. I told him that I felt that I was worth more than what he saw fit to give me. Here are his flaws the ones that have made a lasting impact on me – they don’t undo all the wonderful things he has done in the past. Equally he felt unsupported by me – this isn’t a monologue. Relationships aren’t one sided.
That is what begins to happen, you realise you have changed about 98% of the nappies, dealt with the times the children won’t sleep while he snores next to you, cried in to your tea the morning after like a sleep starved zombie and still you continue on, you do the cleaning, fix the children, go shopping and slap a smile on. Regardless of how dented and bruised you feel.
I have had enough. I refuse to feel like a single parent, I’ve been there before and sure I can do it again, but the fact is there are currently two of us. Yes, yes he goes out to work. He went out to work when he chose to have a house, dog, children, me and other responsibilities too. That was a conscious decision and, under no circumstance did I agree that just because he goes to work I must do every chore in the house, every day and also get no sleep. I would remember agreeing to that.
So, we are now doing a trial run of him helping out more, having the girls while I get a coffee alone and trying to be a better him (his words not mine). In the hopes that we can get off the bitter rocky road and indulge in a sweeter flavour of relationship ice-cream, because if not I am not prepared to continue on feeling like this.
I will have my perfect Sundae, one day.