Clusterfeeding zombie, breastpads and NIP.

There have been many ups and downs for me and Tiny on our breastfeeding journey.

For example, I’m not going to lie here, I have huge nips. Always have had. We had to get round that, we had to work through that. Babies have tiny gobs. It can be tricky.

We have had the brow sweat educing clusterfuck  feed. Where you sit like a mindless drooling zombie and feed until you think you can feed no more. Then feed more.

The other times when baby is asleep. By-jingo SHE IS SLEEPING. Then you start to throb. Throbbing turns to a light sting. Stinging turns into a burny feeling and hey presto you’re a leaky faucet rocking, leaking and waiting for the baby to WAKE UP!

Baby wakes up, your boob looks like a basket ball, she latches – sweet relief – the suddenly LETDOWN, head thrown back, it’s taken her by surprise, it’s all over the place.
Later while getting changed you find a small, sweet, sticky patch on your stomach.

IF like me you are a master of the breast pad you will have –

  • You have placed one on the side of your nipple not ON your nipple and enjoyed Niagara Falls on more than one occasion
  • You have managed to fold it in half, it sticks out like that time you stuffed your bra with tissue paper at 13 years old. 
  • You have only padded one side. The side that wasn’t going to leak anyway. Brilliant.
  • You are walking about the town, feeling good. Awww ye. Then a damp breastpad slides out from under your bra (how?!) in the queue. Lands with an unceremonious ‘flop’ noise. You have to make the decision – kick it away or bend down and pick it up. WHAT DO YOU DO?
  • You have left the house with one stuck somewhere else (scarf) and thought everyone was admiring your attire. Nope, they admiring your milk catching paraphernalia. 
You have a very happy smile filled hungry baby, so happy and smiley they in fact keep smiling and you’re sitting there in the coffee shop with your half chewed nipple out waving it in her face. She will eventually latch, but not until she’s laughed at you a bit. 
While baby is feeding you decide to eat a little biscuit. You look down and that soft, sweet, downy head of hair is littered with crumbs. 
You sit and pick them off. Waste not, want not!
You are watching something/reading something you get your boob out. Your hungry baby starts suckling, what is THAT pain! You have not got your boob out far enough, your nip is just inside the bra and you now have a tiny little love bruise on your boob. Bravo. 
Being in a rush, putting on your three day, milk patch filled bra. Walking down the road being both amazed and disgusted by your strange underboob sweat and sweet milky scented bra. Huzzah. 
For my final incident I offer you the two boob special. 
I am in Starbucks, I take out the right boob, feed Tiny. I shuffle about, make sure I am comfortable before I offer the second serving. 
Get out lefty. 
Attach baby. 
Feel a breeze. 
Notice that I am indeed sitting with both boobs out at my coffee table. The right one at this point is resting on Tiny’s legs. 
There you have it folks, little gems from this milk producing moron
If you’re breastfeeding are you enjoying your journey? If you’re bottle feeding what silly things have you managed to do? 


2 thoughts on “Clusterfeeding zombie, breastpads and NIP.

  1. You just wanted to show off your big nips didn’t you 😉 bet everyone in there had areola envy… 🙂 (totally a thing) lol xx

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