Disclosure: There is more swearing. If you don’t like swearing, then, well, it is a bit late. It’s in the title too.
I have something for you!
* opens empty fist* Yes that right there is all the fucks I don’t give. Wait wait, one sec…. Other hand, let’s check… Oh, look *another empty fist*. There are at least double the number of fucks I don’t give.
What do you mean you don’t understand? Yes. You. Do.
Are you waiting for the parent of the year award? Do you somehow think that by pointing out my child smells a bit like toast is going to win you a prize? Does your little cherub always smell like cupcakes and hearts? Oh of course they do, I forgot you are THAT parent. The one whose children excel at life and you excel at being a perfect parent.
They crawled at how old? 3 months? Oh congratulations, mine drags herself across the floor like a starving zombie. Oh, no sorry you are right, that isn’t a thing to joke about.*Hides Smirk*
She did the alphabet backward at 3 years old? Haha, couldn’t she do it normally? Oh yes obviously how silly of me, she can do it both ways. Timed you say? Oh, how lovely. * Fixed Grin*
Yep, oh Eldest is fab a bit naughty here and there, nothing I can’t handle though. What? Never naughty? How do you stand it? Mmmmm it is a matter of how they are raised? * Failing Fixed Grin*
She is homeschooled. No, it’s great fun, we very much enjoy it. What do you mean how do I know she is learning? Because I have all the evidence at home. No, it isn’t illegal. *Sarcastic tone creeping in*
You know what perfect parents this is for you, my child has been dirty, has sometimes got sticky hair, she is homeschooled, she likes the outdoors, I don’t veto mildly dangerous things, she can skip too. I even let her eat a chicken nugget *SHOCK*. She once heard my dad call me a silly dickhead for dropping a cup, it was funny, everyone laughed, she thought Silly Dickhead was my name for a few days after that. She called me nob the builder. She got glitter in her mouth and had a unicorn poo. She once ate a block of cheese in secret after creeping out of her room, for no other reason than wanting to do it. I’ve bribed her to do good stuff. She has bribed me into giving her excellent stuff. She is probably smarter than I am. She isn’t perfect, I don’t want her to be goddamn perfect. Because when she goes out into the world, there is a lot of not perfecting things. I don’t want her to be afraid to be herself. Ever. So if that includes dirt, tripping, unhealthy food, the occasion swear word exploration and poo talk. I’m okay with it. I won’t censor her life to look like a perfect parent.
Oh and one more thing!!!
EDIT: I am a fucking fabulous parent. So are these perfect ones. We just do shit differently. Very differently