If you read yesterdays post, you know that the weekend was less than fun. I am in the midst of not knowing if it’s something that I can forgive, but I know that I won’t forget it – is that just as bad?
Although one might say that the incident wasn’t life changing, I think it is something that changes your perception of other people and through doing that, changes you. Is this what they call a pivotal moment? Could it just be a catalyst for changing other things? Could it be that, to be your true self, you need to have your core shaken.
Is it that in order to be stronger, you must be broken at least once?
Does that also reach as far as emotional breakage? Can you feel stronger about someone or something after your perceptions are twisted and snapped? Can you do some Kintsugi on life? The Japanese art form of painting the cracks in pottery with gold, taking what was broken and making it more beautiful than before. Rather than hide the damage it is illuminated. A reminder of what was.
Those questions are swirling around my head like mud in a puddle.
Right now I feel a disconnect, it feels very deep. I also think that he is likely having his own disconnect, from who he is or was, and how to move forward from making a mistake like that.
A person can survive many things, but relationships aren’t always made of such tough stuff. If you have to question the level of respect, question your own opinion and perception of someone – aren’t you right back at the beginning? Before the children, before the marriage, before the holidays, before the sex, before making sandwiches at midnight, before the 4 hour conversations, before the thoughtful gifts, before the love, before the coffee in the morning, and before the texts of ‘goodnight’.
Do I not know him anymore?
Right now, my wedding ring still sits on his desk, when I look at it I feel a sense of betrayal. How can something so meaningful, be the very thing that has left the deepest bruise.
That is how it works though, isn’t it. What matters most, cuts the deepest.